RELAPSE WHAT A NICE WAY TO SAY FUCK UP!

I swore I'd never go down this road again, and here I am, using needles to pump "medication", directly into my veins and pretending it's not being a junkie.  Addicted to heroin and all other opiates through out the years, I knew better, now, I straight up Fucked Up, New I was when I did it, and did it anyway, that's addiction.

Now I have to try to quit, but this time, the doctor gives it to me, not that I only take what he prescribes, I take what he prescribes to my "friends" too, at a price, $10, $20, $50 a pill, wow, heroin was so much cheaper.  But I live in the "country" now, had to get away from the big bad city and all the drug dealers, hah!  I'm not afraid of being dope sick, or kicking, but I know now, that I do it, cuz I'm just not happy, with my life, period, and no one can change that but me.  Quitting goes through my mind, but to be honest, I have a pill sitting right in front of me, put it in my mouth like I should, is out of the question.  My mind is wondering if I should just stop typing for a few minutes, hook it up, do it and come back to typing.  I'm being honest people, that's me, fucked up.  WOW, it sure brings it to light when I read what I wrote.  I'm a junkie again, and I gotta stop.  It's time.

It's just so easy to find oxycontin, morphine, dilaudid, vicodin, all of it, right in my lap, IF you have the money.  Right now I'm broke, so really I shouldn't be wasting a pill when I'm not in pain or sick, but I prefer being high to not, it's a struggle, not just everyday, but many many times a day.  I have a script for 60 dilaudid 4, and if lasts more than 3 days, its a damn miracle.  WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME! I could so easily kill myself, "by accident", DAMN, I gotta stop it!  I can't afford it, and I know my next step is to go out and start stealing to get money, then there's the chance that I'll get caught, not just a chance, practically a guarantee, and then my 14 yr old boy, what will happen to him.  No father, nobody, he'd end up in foster care, learning all the evil ways of the world.  I gotta stop this from getting worse, I have to.  Until next time....

~~ a junkie mom