I thought once I stopped shooting heroin that it was over, the whole nightmare ended. Not even close, there is so many "medications" that doctors write Rx's for that addiction is like a dog barking at my door. Every time I'm in pain, I have to weigh the chances of getting addicted to it or not. Unfortunately after back surgery, gone wrong, I have no choice but to take narcotics or be in pain, that's it. If I could take them "as perscribed" then I wouldn't be an addict would I. I hate when people say "all you have to do is" take them the way you are supposed to. I can't! It's fucking impossible. I feel doomed to be a junkie forever. In fact it's cheaper to buy heroin than pay for my meds. So when I take too many pain pills, I then run out of them before I can get some more, so I have to either by some off the street or be sick. Can't be sick, it's just too time consuming. I have to keep straight to function thru daily life. So here I am stuck in a junkie world spinning, from pills, to dope, to shooting pills, to trying to quit, and getting more and more fucked up in the process. I won't stop trying but it sure the fuck sucks living like this, making sure I have enough meds to make it thru till the next refill. I can't catch up, I can't stop, and I know I need to "just quit", but damn, I pray for the strength, for another day.
I hate being a junkie!!!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
RELAPSE WHAT A NICE WAY TO SAY FUCK UP!
I swore I'd never go down this road again, and here I am, using needles to pump "medication", directly into my veins and pretending it's not being a junkie. Addicted to heroin and all other opiates through out the years, I knew better, now, I straight up Fucked Up, New I was when I did it, and did it anyway, that's addiction.
Now I have to try to quit, but this time, the doctor gives it to me, not that I only take what he prescribes, I take what he prescribes to my "friends" too, at a price, $10, $20, $50 a pill, wow, heroin was so much cheaper. But I live in the "country" now, had to get away from the big bad city and all the drug dealers, hah! I'm not afraid of being dope sick, or kicking, but I know now, that I do it, cuz I'm just not happy, with my life, period, and no one can change that but me. Quitting goes through my mind, but to be honest, I have a pill sitting right in front of me, put it in my mouth like I should, is out of the question. My mind is wondering if I should just stop typing for a few minutes, hook it up, do it and come back to typing. I'm being honest people, that's me, fucked up. WOW, it sure brings it to light when I read what I wrote. I'm a junkie again, and I gotta stop. It's time.
It's just so easy to find oxycontin, morphine, dilaudid, vicodin, all of it, right in my lap, IF you have the money. Right now I'm broke, so really I shouldn't be wasting a pill when I'm not in pain or sick, but I prefer being high to not, it's a struggle, not just everyday, but many many times a day. I have a script for 60 dilaudid 4, and if lasts more than 3 days, its a damn miracle. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME! I could so easily kill myself, "by accident", DAMN, I gotta stop it! I can't afford it, and I know my next step is to go out and start stealing to get money, then there's the chance that I'll get caught, not just a chance, practically a guarantee, and then my 14 yr old boy, what will happen to him. No father, nobody, he'd end up in foster care, learning all the evil ways of the world. I gotta stop this from getting worse, I have to. Until next time....
~~ a junkie mom
Now I have to try to quit, but this time, the doctor gives it to me, not that I only take what he prescribes, I take what he prescribes to my "friends" too, at a price, $10, $20, $50 a pill, wow, heroin was so much cheaper. But I live in the "country" now, had to get away from the big bad city and all the drug dealers, hah! I'm not afraid of being dope sick, or kicking, but I know now, that I do it, cuz I'm just not happy, with my life, period, and no one can change that but me. Quitting goes through my mind, but to be honest, I have a pill sitting right in front of me, put it in my mouth like I should, is out of the question. My mind is wondering if I should just stop typing for a few minutes, hook it up, do it and come back to typing. I'm being honest people, that's me, fucked up. WOW, it sure brings it to light when I read what I wrote. I'm a junkie again, and I gotta stop. It's time.
It's just so easy to find oxycontin, morphine, dilaudid, vicodin, all of it, right in my lap, IF you have the money. Right now I'm broke, so really I shouldn't be wasting a pill when I'm not in pain or sick, but I prefer being high to not, it's a struggle, not just everyday, but many many times a day. I have a script for 60 dilaudid 4, and if lasts more than 3 days, its a damn miracle. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME! I could so easily kill myself, "by accident", DAMN, I gotta stop it! I can't afford it, and I know my next step is to go out and start stealing to get money, then there's the chance that I'll get caught, not just a chance, practically a guarantee, and then my 14 yr old boy, what will happen to him. No father, nobody, he'd end up in foster care, learning all the evil ways of the world. I gotta stop this from getting worse, I have to. Until next time....
~~ a junkie mom
RELAPSED!!!!!!
Why do I keep relapsing? I know the answer, it's because I'm not "spiritually fit". I remember how that felt, I was clean and sober for years, but I can't seem to get it back. Unfortunately my life is upside down, and I'm not in the same position I was when I first quit doing drugs. I relapsed because I got carried away with the pain pills prescribed to me for back pain. I knew better! We all know Better! I've got every excuse in the world, pain being the first, but I'm simply not capable of taking my meds right! I'm a dope fiend, and seems like I always will be. Even when I know it means I'll run out before it's time for a refill, I still mess up. Eventually I'll learn from my mistakes, and take my own advice. Advice I wrote while I was still sober. I think I'll go back and read it again. Maybe it will help you too. Good luck.
And this is the life of a drug addict! Like many of you, I am beating myself up AGAIN! We have to stop, and get on with the process of living, and that begins with getting off drugs, so that's the plan, hopefully, I'll still feel this way when I'm withdrawing, who know, but I know I can do it, I've done it plenty of times before, but this time, it might just stick. After being sober for so many years, and then looking at myself, and track marks and abscesses, I wonder why I keep doing this to myself, we all know why, I'm a drug addict! I forgot that, I thought I since I was sober so long, that it no longer applied. Well, that lesson has been learned, now, it's time to start again.
And this is the life of a drug addict! Like many of you, I am beating myself up AGAIN! We have to stop, and get on with the process of living, and that begins with getting off drugs, so that's the plan, hopefully, I'll still feel this way when I'm withdrawing, who know, but I know I can do it, I've done it plenty of times before, but this time, it might just stick. After being sober for so many years, and then looking at myself, and track marks and abscesses, I wonder why I keep doing this to myself, we all know why, I'm a drug addict! I forgot that, I thought I since I was sober so long, that it no longer applied. Well, that lesson has been learned, now, it's time to start again.
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